Friday, February 11, 2011

Truths for Mature Humans

I was sitting here with my kids reading this laughing my butt off.  They looked at me like I was crazy but that's ok they are only 1 and 2.

Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friends job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to take a nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5.  How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary.

7. Map Quest really needs to start the directions at #5.  I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all agree to just ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray ?  I just don't want to have to start my collection....Again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I didn't make any changes to.

14. " Do not machine wash or tumble dry"  means I will never wash this -  ever

15. I hate it when I just miss a call by the last ring ( Hello?  Hello? **** it!) but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do when I didn't answer?  Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving the house confident and looking good and then not seeing any one of importance the entire day.  What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freeze deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an " avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on the first time I saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over loaded plastic bags in each hand than have to make 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the difference between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just smile and nod because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line up of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong brothers and sisters.

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school students get dumber and dumber every year.

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond when you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back to far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what form of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still have no idea what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people can have a hard time locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pining the tail on the donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!


  1. Oh, these are funny. No kids, but my dog backs away when I laugh that loudly. My first dog would come to see what was so funny and join the party. Thanks for these.

  2. I just love the faces they make when they look at you, whether it's animals or really small children, it's like they think we are crazy

  3. hahaha I was literally laughing out loud...soo funny. I totally relate to #7 and #17 :)

  4. Great list, I may have to borrow it :).

  5. Great list!

    1. Yup
    2. Just happened the other day. Turns out "sausage" (say, for instance, the default on pizza) is made from pork, not beef. Who knew?
    14. "This shirt is dry-clean only, so it is DIRTY." -- Mitch Hedberg!


  6. i LOVE these! especially the sarcastic font one haha
    <3 niree (from 20sb)

  7. I know, I would love to have a sarcastic font